The Beginning of Life

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I was walking back to my dorm room the first time I can remember getting a cluster headache. I went seemingly blind in my left eye from the pain. The next day I was at the doctor. He said he could find nothing and left it at that. The headaches didn't stop and I often went back but to no avail. We tried various medications but nothing worked. Then about two years ago I was talking in an on,nie chat group when another headache hit. I described it to the people and someone told me to research cluster headaches. What I read I could have written myself! I was thrilled to finally have a direction to go in, but with no cure (and having tried so many meds already) I started feeling a little hopeless.

 

Now a few years after the headaches started, I had an operation on my chest that changed my perception of pain entirely and increased my pain threshold dramatically. When breathing becomes an option instead of a necessity, your perceptions change. So after the operation, I found that I was able to tolerate the headaches better. Suicide never crossed my mind (it could very well be an option, but I just had not thought if it on my own) but I absolutely understand why some people choose that road.

 

I have many medical problems, which probably help the clusters develop, but I have found that being cuddled or just a gentle touch from someone who cares can sometimes make the difference between tears or calm. My headache typically last 2 - 9 days but during this time I try to be around people as much as possible and always with touch. Animals help an incredible amount as well. 

 

When the pain feels hopeless and you think you just can't go on, write down reasons to live. Anything from seeing beautiful roses in the sunshine, feeling the first drops of rain on your face to feeling the safe and all-encompassing hugs of people who love you. When you feel like ending it all, go out and find a reason to live. The pain will pass. It will.