Story Behind the Fighter's Creed

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It has been nineteen years since I was attacked. Being attacked by someone I did considered to have been a close friend did change my life. A part of me died that day, yet I had to live on. It was not easy for me to pick up the pieces. I felt as though it was my fault for what happened. I did try counseling by calling what my job at the time offered (Employee Assistance Program), but felt they couldn’t understand my pain. It seemed as though they felt I was suicidal at that time. I had no desires to die. I was mad / angry and couldn’t figure out my own emotions. My family (parents, siblings) couldn’t look at me without leaving the room. I felt that my appearance made me hideous to look at and also thought they believed it was my fault as well. I withdrew from everyone and avoided letting people get that close to me. I had trust issues and didn’t care who it was. I felt that at any moment someone else would attack me. Yes I tried to pretend that I wasn’t affected but deep down I knew I was hurting. To hide my pain I changed how I interacted with people. I even changed my appearance in hopes of hiding behind what I called my strength. I started wearing a bandana because of the scar. Looking back at it now I can laugh / smile. I had bandanas for every outfit I wore. All color coordinated. I guess wearing the bandana stopped people from asking me about the “Crooked part” in my head in my mind but in all actuality more people asked me questions. I wanted to tell the world what happened to me but was more so afraid that people would look at me differently or even worse felt people would try to challenge me. I knew no one could truly beat me in a fight but I started doubting myself as if I couldn’t defend me. I questioned how could that happen to me since I knew martial arts, how to handle a gun in which I was a great shot. To me it was because I let my guard down. I had risked my own daughter behind this. She saw everything what happened. Thinking that, I became more determined to ensure no one would ever get that close to inflict pain on me. I secretly began working on protecting myself. If I trained harder and more who could touch me or cause me harm?

I became so defensive that if anyone had a knife I was ready to react and kill. It didn’t matter who had the knife because in my mind it was a sign of aggression. One time my own mom had a knife and I backed up telling her to stop talking with the knife in her hand (butter knife). She looked at me and stated that the knife couldn’t hurt me. I knew it couldn’t but deep down I was afraid. I kept having dreams of being attacked again. Each time the attack was more severe to where all I could see was my own blood running down my head and my daughter seeing this and running to me to hold my head. Normally I could control my dreams but for some reason these dreams I couldn’t control. Maybe that was my mind telling me I can’t control what is going to happen, I really didn’t know back then what it all meant. I figured if I controlled my environment I could control what happens to me.

After a year or so still in my hometown I decided it was time to move to where no one knew me and I could start a new life without being reminded of what happened. That was my false sense of security. In my mind moving would resolve the feelings I had. I felt no one cared nor loved me and why should I stay in a place where I wasn’t loved. Only person I felt loved me was my daughter. So to make a better life for us I moved out of state. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever made. I had to leave my daughter behind until I was able to find work and a place to live. Sadly it didn’t stop the dreams or really change who or what I was. My past kept coming up whether it was family or the person that attacked me. He didn’t contact me directly, but a record label contacted me and asked me if I would be interested in working on an album with one of their artist they found. They had heard I was one of the best underground producers and wanted to work with me. My interest was peeked so I began asking questions as to how they found me and the artist name. When they told me the name I lost it. I went off on them and explained what happened. I had no desire to work with the person who caused me the pain. I questioned myself as to how could I be so stupid to even consider getting back into the entertainment business. I decided it was time to really disappear so that no one could find me. I changed my nickname and information so that I controlled who knew me or anything about me. I was still contacted by different record labels. I did screen who could come into my circle or so I thought.  A few more artists tried threatening me but that was quickly ended before anyone could get hurt.

I started focusing my attention on my daughter and later on myself. I shielded her or so I thought from what I thought would be dangerous. I soon learned that I couldn’t stop or control life. Each day I opened up more. I didn’t want to keep living with my guard up 24/7. I started studying new things in hopes changing my path in life. With each new thing I learned it kept taking me back to entertainment which now I laugh at the ideas I had years ago and seeing them come to life.

So enclosing I hope this helps your readers understand that losing a life may feel as though part of you has died but you still must live. It takes a long time to heal. It’s not an overnight process but more so one day, one hour, and one minute at a time. There are days that I still have flashbacks or nightmares about what happened but I refuse to let it control my life. There are people in the world that are evil. Some seek to commit crimes for thrills or even become infamous for what they have done. No one can truly understand or know why people choose to do these things. Maybe it’s the competitive world we live in. They have to top the last person.

 I do blame the media on some parts of how it affects people because they don’t take into consideration how the victim feels, constantly blasting the name of the criminal making that person into a legend. Being criminally minded is not what I rather focus on or seeking revenge. I rather put that energy in rebuilding my life and those I love. I know the old cliché about things will get better everyone is tired of hearing. It does get better but it going to take time. I didn’t rush to find peace. I had to let peace find me so that I could finally accept it. My first step was to forgive myself for blaming myself. I could only work on me and less trying to make people see things my way. I had the right to be mad or angry despite people telling I should do this or that. I had to understand and become me in order to do me.

I know that I still have a long way to go but considering this tragedy happened nineteen years ago still plays a major part of my life, not in a negative way but more so in helping me to rebuild. I hope this can also help any of your readers understand that it is okay to feel what they feel. They just have to remember it’s a choice on how they let it affect their lives. I am taking my time so that I can learn patience, forgiveness, and restore the love I once had in my heart. The one thing I will say that has come from all of this is me creating the “Fighter’s Creed” which many have signed and pledged to never give up in whatever they maybe going through.

 

 

Fighter’s Creed

I, __________, will not give in to the pain. I will continue my fight for my life, family, friends, and others who may suffer from this disease. I know I am not alone and that I can still have a life. I control and own my body. My pain cannot define me but I can define the pain by which I learn to control. I will take small steps for I know the journey is long and hard. When I feel as though I cannot continue I will reach out to my support system and ask for help. I will speak and think positive of myself because I know I am worth it. I may struggle along the way but I will keep my faith. I will pray that my steps are steady for I know not of the ground I walk on. I will help others as we are all part of the human body. I will call 911 when I feel the need to end my life. I cannot bring pain to others yet help bring relief as best as I can. This is my creed as a fighter!!!!!